grannyfiddler

I'VE MOVED

2007-12-31T08:31:00.000-08:00

and the new address is...

http://grannyfiddler-northofsanity.blogspot.com/

with difficulties fromt the company filters, etc making photo downloads very tricky, and being now the proud mama of a beautiful Sony alpha 100 digital camera, i just can't NOT do pictures on my blog anymore.

so stop in for tea some time

Tis the Season

2007-12-19T08:04:00.000-08:00

in blog-cruising over my morning cuppa, wandered past a site inviting a haiku for the season. not a particularly gifted poet myself, i don't often attempt this, but was struck by a bolt of (i thought) inspiration. all things being relative, we must keep in mind that inspiration for a non-poet does not rank highly among those gifted by the muse, but i like it, so here it is.

season's gluttony
wholistic oblivion
darkening my soul

where are Peace, Love, Joy?
few wise ones are wandering
with gifts not pillage

look to the children
gift them with ancient wisdom
love of man and earth

and on a less serious note, i've finally got my new Mac, AND the beautiful digital SLR i've been lusting after for just ages, so am hoping over the holidays to learn how to use the things well enough to update the look of my blog and post a few pictures

Merriest Christmas!
make your feast hunred-mile style
gifting from the heart

biofuel

2007-12-07T11:12:00.000-08:00

we had our 2nd annual biofuels conference last weekend. one of the guest speakers was Lyle Estill, who made a big impression last year, and didn't let us down a bit when he returned for an encore. here's his site.

http://energy.biofuels.coop/

grief

2007-11-07T11:10:00.000-08:00

several of my violin students yesterday evening were uncharactaristically low-key. i learned later from the last student - an adult - that there had been a motor vehicle casualty in the community. then this morning, i learned of another. the son-in-law of a good friend @ work was in a head-on collision last night after dark in freezing rain. the driver of the other vehicle was his mother. both were killed. can things get more macabre than that? what are the chances? this young man and his wife have a baby girl only a few weeks old.

the freezing rain continues to fall.

the alberta rednecks continue to drive in it, far to fast. because their trucks have 4 wheel drive and snow tires, and because they're invulnerable. it will never happen to them.

sometimes the universe is a scary place.

9 sleeps

2007-10-23T11:36:00.000-07:00

only 9 more sleeps till the sold house (and lovely money for said sold house) changes hands. every penny within my reach screams for mercy till then. but the deep freeze and the jelly cupboard started the season full, and the cupboards were far from bare, so granny's no leaner than before.

the sky out my window is ash-grey and moodily dripping. there's a strip of pale blue rubbing its way through along the bottom, above soggy fields of dull gold stubble. the crops were good, i hear, and the rain has held off till most of our farmers had them harvested and the work of their labors in the bins, thanking the gods of technology for their grain driers. most of the grain is too wet to store for long, so now begins the long, noisy, messy, energy consumptive job of running it through these monsters to bring the moisture content down. they look a bit like beheamouth drums from clothes driers, and work the same way. the grain is tumbled and blasted with hot air till it's dry enough that it won't catch fire or ferment in the bins.

in something over 9 sleeps i'll be able to further illuminate you with digitally stored blinks worth a thousand words.

the repetetive stress injury is healing nicely; i'm looking forward to returning to my blogsite regularly.... soon.

happy autumn to those in the north - happy spring to those down under; wishing rainy blessings to those in need of heaven's tears.

nope

2007-09-27T08:44:00.001-07:00

attachment didn't work

down time

2007-09-27T08:25:00.000-07:00

during a 2 1/2 week stint as fill-in for the Payroll dept while someone was holiday, i seem to have developed a repetetive stress injury in my right hand. i guess working at someone else's station, which was not set up for me, was enough to do it. so i'm on 'modified duties', have a hand splint to wear, must take anti-inflamatory drugs, and won't be keyboarding much for a time. not that i've been posting much of late, but i won't be able to comment on the posts of others either, which i'll miss very much. so, for those who care, though you may not hear from me, i'll still be checking in on you, because life would just be too dull without you.

on the up side, i think i've just stumbled on a way to attach pictures from my computer files, so maybe i'll post some images instead of words

:o)

i miss chatting with you already

after several frosts

2007-09-06T11:43:00.000-07:00

there's a snap in the air. a cold snap. we can no longer live in denial. it's autumn

autumn's a nice enough season... it would better loved if it stayed longer, and didn't precede winters that seem a century long... that would make me something over 5000 years old... hmmm... happily, i don't look my age.

so, with the intent of finding silver linings, seeing the cup half-full, walking on the sunny side of the street, etc i've made myself a list of things i love about autumn.

no bugs
the air smells like spring water tastes
it's not too warm for wooly sweaters and tights, corduroy, quilted fabrics, all of which i'm partial to
all the kids are excited about school, and wearing their funky new clothes
new pencils, crayons, pens, gadgets
new books
new friends
new things to learn
all the new seasonal clothes are everywhere. Everyone tries to look good
you don't get all sweaty and smelly going for a walk
you're actually looking forward to winter, just a little
scenery is spectacular
rivers lose their summer silt and run clear (till they freeze solid)
cranberries are ripe
you can see an end to the yard and garden work - don't have to mow the lawn every second day
farming's nearly over
fishing's over (memories of the Yukon - pulling the last of the salmon from nets crusted with ice)
Thanksgiving
Halloween
Christmas comes after Thanksgiving and Halloween
if you live in a tourist town, the tourists are gone
snuggling under a thick quilt with a hot cuppa and a good book
smells of good food cooking, as you walk from the cool outdoors to the warm indoors
sitting in the warm indoors, looking out at the cold outdoors, thankful for home
the light that shines from the window of your home, as you walk towards it in the dark
cold weather foods
stew with dumplings or mashed potatos
fresh baked pie, bread, muffins, biscuits
roasted meat
thick soups
cookies, still warm from the oven
hot mulled apple cider
hot chocolate
pasta with thick sauce and meatballs; lasagne
dolmathes
scalloped potatos
eggnog
hearty breakfasts - porridge, waffles, french toast, pancakes, bacon, sausage and eggs
the irish band i play with actually has time to get together for practices, because it's too cold to do anything else
i'm inspired with ideas for my violin students, after the summer break
sharing all the above with people we love

summer slow-dances out of sight

2007-08-31T13:49:00.000-07:00

the first of the traitorous aspen leaves are changing color. summer is dying. she expires with such generous dignity that we don't even really notice at first. too busy with the berries and apples and vegetables, the hives full of her clear, shining amber honey and the earth under foot bulging and lumpy with her bounty of root crops.... the grain fields golden in the softening light with her gathered and stored brilliance. summer is so unselfishly giving... i wish winter would take lessons from her.

but the back to school swarm has been on for weeks already @ the local stores. i'll be taking one of the youngest sons to his new digs @ univerisity for his second year of engineering, in just one sleep. (when he was younger he would have asked if that includes naps) he's never lived away from one parent or the other before, so very excited. and he loves to learn, so the whole academic lifestyle fits him like a favorite old t-shirt. his elder sister's farewell gift is, in fact, a t-shirt, bearing a photo of a dirigible, and the caption "my other car is a blimp". he's been designing and building his own blimp all summer, and loves the shirt.

and life goes on.... the little renovated church house where he grew up has been sold, and the 'new' place has only 2 rooms left in need of renovation.... a winter project, i think. a young couple from BC has bought the church. i hope they have children and it's filled with giggles and cuddles and noisy play before long, and the old Manitoba Maples in the yard are climbed on again, and hammocks hung from them on sultry summer days. the neighbor tells me the new folks are asking a lot of questions about what's growing in the yard, so there's hope that they're gardeners, and will enjoy and appreciate the fruits of my labors.

so, when they do take possession, in early november, i'll have money for that harp of my own, and a good slr digital camera, and even a kayak. and i'll pay off the mortgage on the 'new' house, and even have something left to tuck into an RRSP... something that was an impossible luxury when i was a single mum. and i'll be completely debt free...

free in other ways as well... ways one doesn't expect to have mixed feelings about when the days are a blur of responsibilies and appointments and school trips and bills unpaid and meals to prepare and dishes/clothes/rooms that need cleaning. it's one of the reasons i had to sell the other house, this empty nest thing. it's so much worse, i think, when the nest really is empty... not even another parent bird to share it with. no one to transfer all that care onto.

i've even considered getting a dog (despite the obvious deterrent... i'm allergic to furry things).... but it seems just too selfish and hypocritical to get a pet to keep one company, then leave it alone all day while i go to work.

shel silverstein

2007-08-02T08:11:00.000-07:00

When you spit from the twenty-sixth floor
And if floats on the breeze to the ground
Does it fall upon hats
Or on white persian cats
Or on heads, with a pitty-pat sound?

Oh, I used to think life was a bore
But I don't feel that way any more
As count up the hits,
As I smile as I sit,
As I spit from the twenty-sixth floor.

~ Shel SilversteinWhere the Sidewalk Ends

i used to read Shel Silverstein to my kids... we all loved him. sort of a poetic Robert Munsch. had forgotten about him, till i came across him, with a lovely illustration, on French Toast Girl's blog. she posts her very lovley drawings and paintings. well worth dropping by.

summertime, and the livin' is easy

2007-06-15T11:17:00.000-07:00

summertime, and the livin' is easy
fish are jumpin'
and the cotton is high.....

i find myself humming that song as i cycle to work, or to the grocery store. or,if there doesn't appear to be anyone within earshot, belting the words out, full forte.

summer in the north takes my breath away. the very air we breathe is alive with currents of vairied scent and temperature and sound. ever changing, but always full of vitality, to the last molecule. my lungs aren't big enough to take it in. so complex i never tire of it, because my senses aren't capable of understanding more than a fraction of it.

the sky is infinitely wide and deep. on a clear, calm morning, amidst birdsong and bee harmonies, all overhead is the sharp blue of heartache. clear and strong, experienced on a cellular level - endless, primal and unforgettable.

even summer storms are thrilling. i was caught in a thunderstorm yesterday as i cycled home after work. soaked to the skin and dripping, i stopped at the bank for a bit of business. the odd looks i got told me it's somehow not dignified, or appropriate for someone of my age to be out riding a bicycle in the rain. but i was the happiest i've been in weeks. that smell, when the first raindrops touch the dry earth, is one of life's bright jewels. and my hair, after the rainwater rinse, hadn't been so pleased with itself in years.

perhaps the beauty of northern summers is felt more strongly because they are so brief, and because we've suffered through many long, dark, frozen months to get to them. in winter, people here coccoon themselves in their most comfortable spaces, and go to great lengths to distract themselves, and each other, from the inhospitable climate on the other side of their walls. but in summer, most everyone is outside, meals are taken outside, special events are held out of doors whenever possible. i can't remember the last summer wedding pictures i saw that were taken under a roof. the local pubs and restaurants know this is their toughest season, unless they're clever enough to have an outdoor area for summer use. no one wants to be inside.

in summer, it seems no one sleeps. children are hard to put to bed, and they arise early. sunset at the time of the solistice is in the wee hours of the morning, and sunrise is only a short time after that. folks are out in their back yards, or on their decks late every night. every balmy eveining feels like a weekend. those who fight nature's influence tape foil on their chidren's bedroom windows, turning them into dark caves reminiscent of the endless dark, frozen months. rooms like this fill me with gloom, and give chills... a premonition of winter.

but, premonitions aside, summer is for savoring... for rolling its fragrance around in our lungs, holding it there as long as we can, till oxygen deprivation forces us to let it out, to quickly suck another delicious, hungry breath in. for delighting in the ecstasy of sunwarmed wild berries exploding their flavor on our tongues. for cool rains and lighting-split pewter-grey clouds. the ensemble music of streams making their way through the tenor continuo of rustling leaves, trees, and forests, as the summer's melt and rain joins with the landscape, into the full orchestral scores of rivers, lakes, and oceans.

i do love summer

good things come to those who wait

2007-04-26T15:34:00.000-07:00

some of you may recall me whining about wanting a digital camera. i have 2 techno-kids, and hint strongly pre-any-special-occation-usually-involving-a-little-something-for-mum. but have struck out

till now!!!!

when i signed on with the telephone co for the phone & high speed internet @ the 'new' house, i struck gold!!! a free digital camera as a signing bonus. we do the dance of joy!

yes, i realize there are digital cameras and there are digital cameras... no doubt it's no great work of craftsmanship, and it certainly won't impress the techno-kids. but it IS a real live digital camera, and we have to start somewhere, don't we?

so now i have just the harp to finance, and a kayak...

i've recently learned that a fellow at work and his wife are avid kayakers. he's actually building one in their garage! this is showing promise. because, if they each have at least one, and he's building another... the math suggests there might be an extra one some day not too far away. and maybe they'd like like some company on a paddle...

patience.... patience..... good things come to those who wait

sigh

2007-04-18T08:11:00.000-07:00

A day of neutrals

Dull grey sky

Darker grey mud

Lighter grey last remains of the snow

Dirty ochre bits of grass sprawling lethargically at the edges of drifts and roadways

Spring in northern Alberta.

Sent an email to a fellow in the field yesterday, not realizing that he had a 'twin' with the same name further afield… all our Devon branches are on the same network…. Canada, USA, Ivory Coast, Egypt….. So my message asking for a location for work this fellow had done went astray. Got a reply, saying 'I'm not THAT G W. I'm the G W in the USA." so, being a curious sort, I looked him up in the employee directory. He was in Houston, Texas. I emailed back that he should be grateful that he was in Houston, and not in northern Alberta … that there is still 3 feet of snow here. He emailed back that he was indeed VERY grateful. So I looked up the weather in Houston… they were having a coolish day… only +20C and a bit overcast. Sigh.

The weather forecast says there's a big snowstorm moving in. Sigh.

obsession

2007-04-09T11:39:00.000-07:00

it's melting again, and i'm afraid it's just another fooler. that yet another storm will dump yet another foot and a half of snow and ice on me. i'm obsessed with the weather. and i've come to the conclusion that people talk about the weather because it's IMPORTANT. this idea that talking about the weather is something you do when you want to make small talk and can't think of anything in common with someone is hogwash. bogswallow. crumbtriffery.

only people who are never acutally OUT IN it have no interest in weather. our whole world is freeze-dried, baked, fried, and soaked in weather, for crying out loud. it's what global warming, and greenhouse gases and melting icecaps are all about. and if people would just get off their big, fat SUV's and get OUT IN the weather, they'd be a little more serious about taking a good, hard look at their own contributions to aforementioned looming calamities, and make some hard choices to turn things around.

the move to the 'new' house looms, and i'm grumpy

snowblind

2007-03-20T12:07:00.000-07:00

i am so %#!*?!! sick of the snow!!

we're having yet another storm. the art gallery in a nearby city has collapsed under the weight of the snow on it. the snow piled up along the road out my window is so high i can only see the roof of the building on the other side. i'll have rush home and shovel the snow AGAIN before my violin students come tonight. the snowdrifts in the parking lot at work are beginning to cover the windows. the snow in the parking lot isn't piled here, but trucked away, and still the drifts of white death slowly and insidiously encroach on life. only arrogance believes man can control the elements.

the sky and the land are the same color. the light is so diffused there are no shadows, and the snow continues to fall. silent menace. invisible poison wafting through the air, tainting the hearts of all who must breathe it. not a person walks into the office from outside, but curses the weather in his own way. even the snowmobile fanatics are sick of the snow!

and, no surprise, it's supposed to warm up for the weekend, and rain. again. then freeze. again. and snow. again.

it's the northern alberta version of the movie, groundhog day, where every night the protagonist goes to bed anticipating the new day to come, and wakes up to relive the old one. we're trapped in winter forever!!!

SNOWBALLS!!!

2007-03-09T07:20:00.000-08:00

I'm so very glad it's Friday!!!

And what a beautiful day! Glorious sunshine, mild temperatures, and the promise of spring! And a whole weekend ahead of me!

It was perfect snowball weather yesterday. I threw snowballs at the foremen who were leaving work the same time as me last night after work, and at the kids as they left the writing class I taught last night. One of the mums got quite cross at the kids for throwing snowballs back at me, then went all weird when she learned that I'd started it. You can't get all grumpy and blame the TEACHER, right? It's such fun being a childish adult. Messes with the heads of those who take themselves far too seriously.

And these kids are brilliant. It's a thrill to see their faces light up as they discover their own ability to craft words. I kept thinking of my own kids, now grown, and all the books we've read together, and how articulate they are, each in his or her own way. Language is a powerful tool.

On a day like this, I can smell spring coming. After a week or so of mild days like this, the rushing sap in the willows will cause the buds to begin to swell, and the lids will pop off the irrepressably boisterous pussy willows. Then there will be no containing spring. She'll burst out in a riot of chirping birds and popping buds and burbling streams and murmering breezes.

Yes, folks! even here in the frozen north, winter's grip is weakening.

white-out

2007-02-27T11:43:00.000-08:00

more snow.

winter is a hag dressed in pristine furs, fine silks and velvets. the careful cut of her exquisite garments cannot quite disguise the skeleton-thin wasteland of flesh beneath them. the glitter of her jewels serve only to draw attention to her sallow complection and loose, sagging skin. her friends have finally deserted her, for she's abused her nearest and dearest. there are none left in her closest circle but the dastardly merchants who profit from her excesses. and even they keep at a safe distance, since she's started filing her teeth into razor-sharp points of ice. on her lips is the cold kiss of death, sucking life and color from the land that feeds and nurtures us.

begone, harbinger of blindness, starvation and desolation!

bad toad

2007-02-02T12:03:00.000-08:00

i recently read in one of a stack of recycled favorite canadian gardening magazines (passed on by a friend... and i'll do the same when i've saved all the info from them that i want) - this quote; "you don't go from being a bad toad overnight" the author was referring to his own switch from using chemical fertilizers and pesticides to organic gardening. but, it's a brilliant observation, applicable almost anywhere i can think of. it's a comfort in times of frustration, and a reminder that life does, after all, place some limitations on us, that are sometimes beyond our control. we don't stop being bad toads just because we tell ourselves we don't want to be bad toads. it won't change itself, overnight, in our sleep. learning and changing takes time and work.

one facet of my effort to no longer be a bad toad, is to move into the town where work. working from home is not an option at present, and living in the present place requires a 15 minute commute to work each day. i've decided that this is not a necessary evil, so i have bought a little old stucco house in the town where i work. (77 years old, to be exact, with hand-hewn beams supporting the floor. you can see the marks of the axe on them!) As of May 1 i'll begin walking - to work, to shop, to visit friends, etc. and i'm expecting to sell the little truck once the lion's share of needed renovations have been done, and i don't need to haul building and landscaping materials any more.

i'll renovate and super insulate the 'new' place and its small detached garage. the garage will house my weaving loom, drawing and sewing tables, etc. and i'll endeavor run its lights, sewing machines, etc. on solar power. this will give me a better idea how to do similar things to the house, and just how much energy can be got at varying times of the year in my waynorth location.

been devouring all i can find on related issues... just finished The Small-Mart Revolution by Michael Shuman, and Heat - How to Keep the Planet From Burning by George Mionbott in the past few weeks. Waiting for a copy of Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth to come in @ the local library.

and have been brainstorming with friends and neighbors about locally sustainable business... working on getting a directory together, etc.

the sad thing is, the purchase/move will eat up all my savings, so the purchase of a kayak will have to be put on hold.

lunch break is over... duty calls

slow dance with winter

2007-01-13T19:20:00.000-08:00

last year, winter was in a good mood, almost the whole time she stayed. granted, she's far too vain to ever see that she's worn out her welcome, and always overstays. but last year she did a gentle slow dance with us, trailing lacey skirts and soft white furs, diamonds and pearls over the landscape, coaxing us out to admire and play with her. and, fools that we are, knowing full well how fickle and untrustworthy she has proven herself in the past, we nonetheless fall for her deceitful charms.

we approached her this year, trustingly, eager to play. but this year she's in a foul, foul mood. she taunts and torments, mocks and threatens. she began with rain - and fooled us into thinking she was in a mild frame of mind again. this was immediately followed by heavy layers of snow to hide her icy treachery. more smiles and rain, then the deep freeze; more snow; more rain; more snow. the rain stops, she smiles seductively and purrs, "the skiing is fabulous, dahling. come and play". no sooner do we succumb to her ploys than her clear blue skies send the mercury plummeting so fast you can hear it bounce in the bulb at the bottom of the thermometer.

very early last Thursday morning, after being snowed in and unable to travel to work on Wednesday, i waded through drifts to my armpits to shovel my little old Ford truck (as she's red, a friend has dubbed her Rudolph, the red-nosed Ranger)out of the driveway. then it was... drive till i get stuck, shovel out, drive till i get stuck, shovel out, etc. 1/2 dozen times or so in the 3 blocks to the main road, which had been plowed. though it was -29 C, i was dripping with sweat. and though i'd started at 7 a.m. and it's normally a 15 minute trip, it was 8:30 before i got to the office. if i hadn't had the foresight (and $) to put good winter tires on last autumn, i'd never have got there. and, of late, i go NOWHERE without my snow shovel.

and it's a good 2 months before things can be expected to even begin to melt.

mercy!

#!%*?

2007-01-04T17:50:00.000-08:00

grannyfiddler

2007-01-04T17:00:00.000-08:00

blogger is messing with my head again.... just spent an hour writing, and got zapped into outer cyberspace.... arghh!

i am resolved

2007-01-04T16:53:00.000-08:00

it's been an eventful year. i always feel philosophical at this time of year (well, maybe at all times of the year, but especially when the year is new) it's just after 4:30 p.m. and the sun is going down, painting the sky out my window with a gorgeous watercolor wash. we have spectacular sunrises and sunsets here. i like to think it's old Sol's way of apologising for not staying long each winter's day. he comes up with a crescendo, an exquisitely slow fanfare that builds to an ecstasy of color all over the land, and goes away gently, like a lover's long, wistful kiss - loathe to part, and promising to return soon.

i like new year's resolutions. they make me think about what i like about my life, and what i don't like. if there isn't enough of the good stuff, or if there's too much of the bad stuff, i'm not happy. so new year's is a time for me to think about the state of my world, and what i can do about it. perhaps resolutions have got a bad rap because people are unrealistic about them. there's something about a whole new year spreading ahead of us that's inspiring and daunting at the same time - like a clean sheet of paper, waiting for words or color, or music. so we get a bit over-ambitious. with our cultural background of immediate gratification and 'bigger is better', we make resolutions based on what we've been told we should want, instead of what we can realistically achieve and contribute. we often make promises to ourselves based on superficial things, not on things that will make the world a better place, and us, in the end, happier people.

a few years ago i resolved to lose weight. i was 40 lbs or more overweight, depressed and unhealthy. it seemed that the slightest strain or upset resulted in sprains and injuries, and i was tired all of the time. i had also developed repetetive stress injuries from practicing my violin. i'd been very active for most of my life, but i'd become sedentary. to make a long story shorter, it occurred to me that at least some of my problems might be alleviated by taking some of the load off my joints and getting back some muscle tone. so i started walking, swimming, cycling, weight training and planning my meals more carefully. over the course of those several years i've lost 30 of those pounds, and i'm confident that the last 10 will follow. i like my new lifestyle. i'm strong, healthy, energetic and, for the most part, content. it was only one resolution, but it's taking longer than one year to accomplish. and that's just fine. because the issue is quality of life, over the long term. there is no instant fix.

having just helped with a biodiesel conference in our town, environmental issues are fresh in my mind. i live in a community where these things are not taken seriously. but i take them seriously. so i am resolved that my lifestyle must reflect the things i claim to believe in. the footprint i'm leaving is bigger than the creature who leaves it, and it cuts too deeply. i believe one person can, and should make a difference.

so i'm making plans for some big changes. firstly, i'll move to the town where i work, where i can walk to the office instead of commuting. it's undecided whether i'll sell my lovely little renovated church in its country village, or rent it out. though it's small by today's standards, it is far too big for one lone woman. it wants a family sitting noisily around the table or roasting marshmallows over the campfire in the back yard. the maple trees in the yard call out for children to swing from their branches, and hang hammocks from them. the greenhouse produces more food than i can eat and give away. i'll buy a smaller house here, and begin learning how to get some, at least, of my energy needs from alternative sources. there's an inkling of an idea for a small part-time business producing, selling and promoting goods made from local materials ... perhaps first at the local farmer's market... once all the ingredients are all in the pot of thought, and the soup of ingenuity has had time to simmer, something tasty may result.

i resolve to be more in the present, doing the creative things that strengthen and deepen me, and less controlled by the demands of others. i have begun using my coffee breaks at work to draw - two fifteen minute sketches a day, every weekday. perhaps i'll alternate drawing with writing. Lindsay Lobe has suggested joining a writer's group. i'll take his advice, and be disciplined about my craft. i have whole scribblers of ideas and outlines for stories, plays, magazine articles and books nagging me to write them. published or not, the only shame is in not trying.

i'm a list maker. so i'll make a list of the things i mean to spend my time on, the skills i want to develop, with realistic goals for each of them. i'll post it on the refridgerator in my new home, where it will remind me to be faithful, and not fickle. and i'll keep it short, and realistic. more discipline.

this spring i'll celebrate my 50th birthday full of plans and ideas and hopes for the future. after all, 50 is the new 30!

re -repiphanies

2006-12-20T12:44:00.000-08:00

regarding the dual repiphanies.... interestingly, blogger posted the prior post that was refused, when i tried the next one.

so.... ditto, i guess....

repiphany

2006-12-20T12:26:00.000-08:00

i tried this once before, but blogger wouldn't let me post. perhaps just as well... it was a nasty rant. i'm calmer now.

we've just had a biodiesel conference here in our northern prairie town, initiated by a very dear friend, who's the local agriculture extension person. we had brilliant people from all over north america in our midst. i was one of the lucky ones who got to chauffer them around, so i was blessed with many one-on-one conversations with amazing people with whom i'd not normally ever have that chance. it reminded me why i am where i am, what's important to me, and where i want my life to go.

i didn't choose to work for an oil company. it's the only job i was offered when i finished my business course. what i really wanted was something in the administration end of the arts. and i've applied and applied since i started here nearly 3 years ago, but nobody seems to want me. so here i stay. because i have to eat.

but my conscience bothers me. i don't like oil companies. i feel like i'm trying to serve 2 masters. it's a sort of cycle i go through. send out resumes madly, go to job interviews, be disappointed, resign myself to where i'm at... get frustrated, send out resumes..... ad infinitum. part of the problem is that the first assumption of most employers is that oil companies pay far more than they can, so they don't even call me for the interview. and, though the pay is decent, i'm a pretty small cog, so it's not as much as many people seem to think.

it's a trap... that i've built for myself. i love my little renovated church home. i've pretty much built it myself from an empty shell. but i hate the cost of heating it (both financial and environmental) and of commuting from it to my job in another town. and i feel isolated. surrounded by rednecks whose idea of humor is a sexist or racist slur, and people with more money than good sense or compassion.

i have very little in common with my co-workers. they take holidays in the tropics and spend summer weekends pulling shining new 5th wheel trailers behind equally shiny new monster trucks and SUV's. there's often a speedboat or a quad in tow. they buy all the latest gadgets and toys and think global warming is a joke. they'd be very pleased to see our winters less harsh and long. they give no thought to the millions of other travellers on spaceship Earth who'll be broiled alive, starved or drowned when that happens. so we all continue driving our carbon producing toys and complaining about the cost of fuel. but we pay it. because we can. and to hell with the consequences. somehow, they just won't affect us.

the people i spent time with at the aforementioned conference are of another type. i was ashamed at their dismay in the lifestyle i, and my neighbors live, consuming hydrocarbons and imported goods insatiably, with no recognition of the real, global cost.

almost nothing we use is produced here. everything - food, clothing, building materials, even the petroleum products that are the source of our wealth - are tansported across the continent to us. though the oil comes from here, it's transported by pipeline to eastern Canada and the US for refining. in summer, much of our fresh produce comes from California and Mexico. many farm families (and we're a farming community, pretty much... despite the fact that most farmers have to work in the oilpatch to keep up with their lifestyles) don't even grow a garden. they eat their own beef, but buy the rest of their food in a supermarket.

and it's cold here, so it takes a lot of whatever you're using to keep your house warm. and the houses are all so !#&* BIG!!! wouldn't want to actually have to spend any time in the same room with our kids or spouse, now, would we?

and, let's face it, i'm menopausal, and grumpy, so maybe i'm overreacting. i feel like i'm on a treadmill that sits in a quicksand quagmire. no matter how hard i work, i'm going down. alone.

way past the end of lunch break. must make obeisance to mammon.

merry christmas

repiphany

2006-12-11T11:55:00.000-08:00

a little over a week ago, the small northern alberta town where i live hosted a conference on biofuel production. coincidentally, i had just read George Mionbot's HEAT - how to stop the planet from burning

i had the very good fortune to be the chauffer of 3 of our visiting dignitaries, Lyle Estill from Piedmont Biofuels in North Carolina, and Dr. Goran Jovanovic and his wife, Maya, from Oregon. this meant i had them all to myself during the hour and a half journey to and from the nearest large-ish airport, and shared some meals with them during their time here. Lyle produces biofuel from waste fat for a few hundred customers in his area, and Dr. Jovanovic is a chemical engineer who has devised new ways of producing biofuel without the big 'reactors' currently used. both brilliant in their respective fields.

here in Waynorth, energy conservation is the last thing on the minds of most of those who attended the conference. we're in the heart of oil and gas country. most locals laugh at global warming, and scoff at suggestions that they don't have unlimited petroleum resources. there are a few exceptions, but it seems that even those interested in biofuel are so inclined because they think they can make a fortune on it, or they're farmers who want to add to their marketable options. there's just way too much money around here. we're disgustingly decadent with our natural resources, and no thought is given to the consequences of our plundering on other parts of this small, fragile planet we share. we're very calous to the reality that people in other parts of this little world are already suffering those consequences - that things are going to get much worse. we're fiddling while Rome burns around us.

having the chance to spend time with these folks has been a very good reminder to me why i chose the small town where i live, why i renovated an old building instead of starting from scratch, why i bought a lot big enough to produce food on it. working for an oil company i'm forever surrounded by the small minded self-interest of the wealthy who tell the poor, who haven't enough bread to "eat cake". i didn't chose the job. it was the only one offered to me when i finished my business training. i've since applied at any number of others, with no success. i'm an unwilling participant.

but i AM a participant. and i don't like myself for it. financial responsibilities require the regular paycheck, but integrity demands some brutal honesty. it's time to look very hard at my life, set my goals , make some changes, and get moving in the right direction.

new beginnings

2006-11-23T19:24:00.000-08:00

today they passed out the new daytimers at the office. we all get a complimentary one, to help keep us organized. it's a nice novel-sized, fat book that rests comfortably in the hand. i love new books - especially blank ones. they whisper seductively to me of things that might come to pass... in the imaginary world, in the future... they fill the present with the potential of the future till its seams burst, and it explodes right into that longed-for future. a blank page is a siren call to me, yearning for the text or lines and colors that will shape its existence and give it meaning.

at the end of 2007 this blank appointment book will be dog-eared and tired. it will have recorded the conception, development and birth of all the year's ideas, plans and appointments. it will have remembered my grocery lists and the names of books, authors, musicians and aritsts i hear about and must find out more about. it will have faithfully recorded cost estimates, recipes, story ideas (for all those books percolating in my head that i've yet to find time to write) it will be where the names and phone numbers of people wanting to sign up for violin lessons will be recorded for future reference. the margins of some pages will be crowded with scrawled reminders, starred and underlined, clamoring for attention in their smudged and rumpled surroundings, spilling across the centre onto the opposite page. there will be pages missing before long, where a day was left blank, and, some time after that date i needed a piece of scrap paper... perhaps to give a future student my phone number and info about lessons. somewhere in there, will probably be a note to myself to have business cards made, so i'm not tearing pages out of my daytimer to give people my phone number.

but the really powerful thing about this invitation from the future is that it makes the days to come tangible to me. they're counted off already, and named, one by one. Each comes to me with its own identity. this gives me an unshakeable sense of responsibility for those days, to see that they're not squandered, that they are honored. perhaps it's living a lifetime of never being allowed to take things or people for granted that gives time a kind of urgent value for me. the new appointment book intensifies the urgency. i learned of my own mortality at a young age, and have never been able to take the knowledge that each day could be my last lightly.

so, God willing, some things i want to see in that book by the end of 2007 are: the purchase of my very own harp (the current one is a rental) ; more playing engagements for the bands i play with; the final 3 levels of the #&%*!! production accounting program completed and graduated from; plans for a shared 50th birthday party with several friends who also hit the half century mark this year; kayak shopping info; research into installing solar and wind power, and a wood burning heater in my home; ideas and notes to myself for a book that i'm actually working on; organizing notes for my jobs on the home the local Habitat for Humanity chapter is building this summer; and, last, but far from least, many, many reminders of weekends, meals, special events and trips planned with my children, grandchild, and friends.

because no matter how long i'm lucky enough to live, the life i have left to live gets shorter every day.

november is not my favorite month

2006-11-10T12:18:00.000-08:00

.... november is probably second only to February as my least favorite month. it's cold, dark most of the time, and there's a good 3 months or more of full-blown, unrelenting, rotten winter staring me in the face. and the snow came early this year. the local kids were trick-or-treating in snowsuits. that 'true albertan' stuff sounds hilarious to a southerner, but it's not at all strange to a northerner.

the office where i work is in an industrial area, with a welding business across the street. often as i sit at my desk in the morning, there's a welder working across the street, in the dark, with the snow blowing around him. a wretched job that i wouldn't wish even on my ex-husband. but it's 'excruciatin' lovely', as Kipling might have said, to watch him. the hot blue light of the welding torch illuminates one side of all around him, with the rest in stark shadow, and the golden sparks shoot 10 or 20 feet away from him as he grinds the rough edges off the metal. i think of him as my morning wizard, conjuring up a light show and fireworks, and he takes some of the edge off the long, dark winter mornings for me.

Remembrance Day is this Saturday... Veteran's Day in the States. It was -30 degrees yesterday morning. it's warmed up more than 10 degrees, so we're thinking it'll be just balmy for the parade tomorrow. my dad served in the miltiary - voluntarily, as there's no conscription in Canada. so i always try to go to the service and parade, out of respect for him, even when the whole world doesn't seem to be at war.

lunch break over... must return to the paper mountain. keep warm, all.

Jeff Foxworthy on Alberta

2006-11-08T07:19:00.000-08:00

a friend sent me this

Jeff Foxworthy on Alberta:

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you may live in Alberta.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Alberta.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you may live in Alberta.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you may live in Alberta.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Alberta.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Alberta.

You Know You Are A TRUE Albertan When:

1. "Vacation" means going south past Calgary for the weekend.

2. You measure distance in hours.

3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and then back again.

5. You can drive 110 kph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

6. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

7. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

8. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.

9. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

10. "Down south" to you means Calgary...

11. Your 1st of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

12. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

13. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."

14. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Alberta friends

full circle

2006-10-17T11:23:00.000-07:00

it's a year now since my first introduction to the blog world. happy anniversary. once again, the winds bring sleet and snow, and the clouds lurk low and hungry, stealing the last of the earth's warmth.

there was a time recently when the corporate filters one the computer network here at work wouldn't let me on blogger at all. couldn't even read another's blog, let alone post there, or on my own. i ventured forth occasionally from home, but my poor old dinosaur, and dial-up connection (not to mention my over stretched patience) weren't up to the challenge. just discovered today that this has changed. i'm glad to be back.

but only briefly... much to-do here today

autumn in waynorth

2006-10-14T13:23:00.000-07:00

a few hardy leaves still cling to the naked trees. the tawny fields twnkle with litters of bright tree garments. they lay like scattered treasure, bright coins under the deep, aching blue and pewter of an autumn sky. the color of evergreens intensifies. almost all on tera firma but them are painted in a monotone of earth colors - buff and tan, gold and ochre. the greens are strong and vibrant, a reminder of life goning dormant till the spring's sun and warm rains revive it once more. thrilling touches of low-growing red are all that's left of summer's heat.

a family of harpers

2006-07-04T10:12:00.000-07:00

the 2 youngest sons, and the granddaughter came for last weekend. the harp was a huge hit, with the older fellow in particular. after i'd shown them how to play it, he couldn't seem to walk past it without stopping to try something out. by the end of the weekend he'd mastered several of the tunes he plays on his fiddle. not the sort of thing i thought would appeal to teenage boys. and he was dropping rather strong hints about how much he REALLY liked it.

i think i have a few tunes ready to try with the Irish band next time we practice.

climbing the ladder

2006-06-30T13:08:00.000-07:00

did the midterm for level 2 oilpatch accounting today... 82%! YES!!!

somehow managed to walk away from the harp enough to study.

onward!

the poly cover over the strawberries in early spring has paid off. i'm picking strawberries for breakfast every day, and had about 3/4 of a gallon to freeze a day or 2 ago. they're just beginning to REALLY produce, and heavy with ripening berries, so i should have more berries than ever in my wildest dreams over the winter. :o) And the diatomaceous earth has kept the slugs at bay. i'm getting more berries than the crawlies are!

a new thing

2006-06-22T08:46:00.000-07:00

i'm getting a 30 string Celtic harp this weekend, and my first lesson.

very excited!

after all, this is probably the closest i'll ever come to being angelic!

grannyfiddler - little known facts

2006-06-21T07:30:00.000-07:00

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Grannyfiddler!

Marie Antoinette never said 'let them eat cake' - this is a mistranslation of 'let them eat grannyfiddler'.
Baskin Robbins once made grannyfiddler flavoured ice cream.
Grannyfiddler once lost a Dolly Parton lookalike contest.
A chimpanzee can learn to recognize itself in a mirror, but grannyfiddler can not!
Pacman was originally called grannyfiddlerman.
Long ago, the people of Nicaragua believed that if they threw grannyfiddler into a volcano it would stop erupting!
Never store grannyfiddler at room temperature.
68 percent of all UFO sightings are by grannyfiddler.
All shrimp are born as grannyfiddler, but gradually mature into females.
Grannyfiddler has three eyelids.

little known facts about grannyfiddler

2006-06-21T07:26:00.000-07:00

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Grannyfiddler!

Marie Antoinette never said 'let them eat cake' - this is a mistranslation of 'let them eat grannyfiddler'.
Baskin Robbins once made grannyfiddler flavoured ice cream.
Grannyfiddler once lost a Dolly Parton lookalike contest.
A chimpanzee can learn to recognize itself in a mirror, but grannyfiddler can not!
Pacman was originally called grannyfiddlerman.
Long ago, the people of Nicaragua believed that if they threw grannyfiddler into a volcano it would stop erupting!
Never store grannyfiddler at room temperature.
68 percent of all UFO sightings are by grannyfiddler.
All shrimp are born as grannyfiddler, but gradually mature into females.
Grannyfiddler has three eyelids.

little known facts about grannyfiddler

2006-06-21T07:24:00.001-07:00

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Grannyfiddler!

Marie Antoinette never said 'let them eat cake' - this is a mistranslation of 'let them eat grannyfiddler'.
Baskin Robbins once made grannyfiddler flavoured ice cream.
Grannyfiddler once lost a Dolly Parton lookalike contest.
A chimpanzee can learn to recognize itself in a mirror, but grannyfiddler can not!
Pacman was originally called grannyfiddlerman.
Long ago, the people of Nicaragua believed that if they threw grannyfiddler into a volcano it would stop erupting!
Never store grannyfiddler at room temperature.
68 percent of all UFO sightings are by grannyfiddler.
All shrimp are born as grannyfiddler, but gradually mature into females.
Grannyfiddler has three eyelids.

little known facts about grannyfiddler

2006-06-21T07:24:00.000-07:00

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Grannyfiddler!

Marie Antoinette never said 'let them eat cake' - this is a mistranslation of 'let them eat grannyfiddler'.
Baskin Robbins once made grannyfiddler flavoured ice cream.
Grannyfiddler once lost a Dolly Parton lookalike contest.
A chimpanzee can learn to recognize itself in a mirror, but grannyfiddler can not!
Pacman was originally called grannyfiddlerman.
Long ago, the people of Nicaragua believed that if they threw grannyfiddler into a volcano it would stop erupting!
Never store grannyfiddler at room temperature.
68 percent of all UFO sightings are by grannyfiddler.
All shrimp are born as grannyfiddler, but gradually mature into females.
Grannyfiddler has three eyelids.

summer is a fertility goddess

2006-06-20T16:12:00.000-07:00

she's lush and fruitful, voluptous like the plaster cast of Claire's friend Fiona, just before birthing. she's rich, and she's generous with her bounty, never stingy. summer dances languidly in the breeze, clothed in gossamer layers of every shade and nuance of green imagineable, and some that can't be imagined. she wears pearls of dew and diamonds of raindrops at her ears and throat. as she dances, flowers spring up wherever her feet touch the earth, and enfold her in their perfume.

she is always barefoot. her skin is brown. her eyes are dark and deep as new-turned earth.

grannyfiddler

2006-06-12T12:22:00.000-07:00

grannyfiddler

I am a
Daffodil

What Flower
Are You?

grannyfiddler

2006-06-09T15:22:00.000-07:00

summertime

the home computer gets less and less reliable on-line - high frustration levels are not conducive to blogging anything anyone would want to read.... and summer is the very busiest time at work, so not even time for a quick coffee break blog here. also, i've an accounting midterm looming, and finals shortly thereafter, so must cram mightily when i'm not hauling stones for landscaping the yard.

so won't be 'home' much over the next 2 or 3 months. will stop by and visit with friends when the opportunity comes. and will try to get a friend to take some digital pictures and help me figure out how to post them in lieu of words.

so, a very pleasant and well blessed summer to my friendly and faithful blog neighbors.

tag! i'm it!

2006-06-01T14:54:00.000-07:00

five items in my fridge
avacadoes

mixed salad greens

mangoes

leftover barbequed beef (from a friend)

gluten free bread

five items in my closet
lots of lovely new clothes ('new' as in... less than 5 years old... since i've got a real job)

a pair of x-country ski boots i'm hoping to unite with skis some time fairly soon

an 'antique' mechano set loaned by friends for eldest son (now 30+) to play with, and not yet returned

my painting clothes, bespattered with a colorful record of the home renovations of the past 13 years

out of season footwear

five items in my car

many empty diet pepsi bottles

a racquetball racquet and goggles

gym bag sneakers and membership card

spare lipstick

chewing gum and fruit bars

five items in my 'purse'

palm pilot

cell phone

feminine hygiene products

theatre tickets

program from last weekend's graduation (2nd youngest son)

Five items on my computer desk

a picture of my granddaughter

stacks of sheet music and music books

empty teacup (would you like more? if you say 'no' i'll believe you the first time)

violin cleaner/polish

unpaid utility bills

the end of the world

2006-05-04T11:21:00.000-07:00

today is the end of the world for a young woman i know. her husband was the passenger in a vehicle that rolled on a country road last night, killing him. the driver was released from hospital this morning, with minor injuries.

they have a daughter, soon to reach her first birthday.

they'd bought their first home - a fixer upper, and were planning their futures together. looking forward to raising a family and growing old together.

now there is no future together for them.

it will be a day of many kleenexes.

GREEN!

2006-04-27T07:21:00.000-07:00

our world is greening! there was a mist of newborn green along the tips of the trees as i drove in to work this morning. it's about a 15 minute drive, along a paved highway, with grain fields along each side. the wild geese are everywhere, returned from a winter spent at their favorite time-share location... somewhere warm and sunny and bountiful.

i see them commuting each morning, in the public transit 'V' formation they favor, sometimes by the hundreds. they breakfast on gleaned grain in the yet-to-be ploughed and planted fields. they're especially fond of field peas. then they find a nice pool for a dip somewhere before returning to the fields for a leisurely early evening dinner as the sun weakens. as the sky warms to pink and purple and gold, the V-train returns the commuters home to their marshes, to tuck their heads under a wing under a star-pricked sky.

i wonder if they always use the same wing, or if they alternate? Right tuck or left? And do they ever have a crick in their necks in the morning?

leisure

2006-04-23T15:06:00.000-07:00

life has returned to something resembling normality. the last of the #!*?#! shows was yesterday. we left at 8:30 a.m. to arrive at a theatre some of us had never seen before at 11:00, set up the props and do a techincal run through with the lighing and sound people. once again, what should have taken a couple of hours took much more... closer to 6. i can't imagine what these people's private lives are like. they seem to trhive on chaos, and generate it everywhere they go.

we broke for dinner then, and all went to a LICENSED restaurant and drank a goodly amount of of mood enhancer. i discovered a very lovely zinfandel that i'd like to get to know better.

the show went relatively smoothly, and it's over. the theatre was almost exactly 1/6 full... the bare minimum required to pay for the rental of the thing. it was, incidentally, a magnificent theatre. acoustics to die for... not a dead spot or a bad seat in the room, which seats a little over 600. spacious wings and lots of dressing room space and storage. sprung wood floor on stage, professional lighting and sound techs, excellent equipment, all well maintained.

the cast and production crew all deserve medals for pulling this off. the perpetrators should be jailed and an attempt at rehabilitation made. though i'm not hopefull that they can be redeemed. it was something close to 1:30 a.m. by the time the sets, costumes, etc. were packed and we could begin the 1 1/2 hour drive home.

so, after arriving home at 3 a.m. this morning, i slept till about 10, and took chainsaw in hand, to burn off any residual adrenaline. there were some unruly Manitoba maples that needed topping, as they're shading the vegetable garden. they've been converted to tall stumps, which in a few years, will hopefully have transformed into a thick hedge, breaking the prevailing, and very persistent west wind. they'll also provide a private place to loaf in my hammock and enjoy a cool glass of lemonade on hot summer days. AND i'm counting on them to encourage the neighbors' dogs to find somewhere else to leave their noisome and incessant deposits.

from the maples, i have about a half cord of firewood, all nicely cut to stove lengths for the dreamed-of wood burning fireplace. perhaps by next winter i'll have sorted out the 'who, what, when, where, and how' of getting that up and running. and there's a very big pile of brush that i'll have to tote off to the dump.

all the little tomato seedlings started 'way back on St. Patrick's Day are now close to a foot tall, and thriving. the next project is to repair the greenhouse roof, which is in need of new skin, so they can go to their summer residence. they're gazing fondly out the big south window at it, even now, sighing wistfully, and looking reproachfully over their shoulders at me.

the whiz kids were home for a visit over their spring break, and had some friends over. one fellow asked, "your Mum has a grow op?" younger whiz answered, "they're tomaotes" the buddy replied, "sure. that's what they all say!" i also got them to dig me a trench about 25 feet long and a 1/2 meter wide, for a line of raspberry bushes along the east edge of the property (another dog deterrent) which they cleverly dubbed 'the mass grave'. when word gets out about what's going on in my quiet little plot of land, the police will be watching me very carefully.

lovely to be home a bit. been off work for the last week as well, but that was taken up with much needed outside work, and the !~#%&* play, so not on line much. back at work tomorrow, so will be back in the blog neighborhood more regularly then.

survivor

2006-04-03T11:49:00.000-07:00

though i don't watch television, and i've never actually seen one of the survivor shows, or any other 'reality' t.v. i've heard of the survivor series. i think they should do one backstage of a big theatre production.

so, for those of you who have very kindly taken an interest in my small and chaotic world, here's how it went.

very badly

after arriving at 5, putting on makeup, and the first of many costumes required, helping gents and kids with their makeup, warming up my fingers on my fiddle for the gypsy fiddler scene, going through solo numbers with the lead players, taking the choir through their warmup, and working over a couple the trickiest numbers with them, we were all ready for the promised 6:30 startup. and waited, much to the frustration of all, till nearly 8, while the powers that be diddled with all the little details they hadn't sorted out yet, and we waited. there was a little grumbling, but it was no surprise, so it was nothing overt.

the director, whose keenly honed radar caught a flicker of everyone's frustration, decided that i was a good scapegoat, and tried to pick a fight with me after the entire cast was backstage, waiting for the curtain to go up. she's a big girl, and she was livid. more than a little scary. and everyone was waiting to start, so i didn't want to play. she couldn't get much of a fight out of me, so she fired me. (although i've heard you can't fire volunteers... they say the only way to get rid of them is to kill them. i guess i got off lucky)

i went home. had another volunteer commitment that night, of a much more pleasant sort, so i pulled myself together, changed into my little black dress and pumps, and went there. good food, good company, good art, good music, and no one screaming at me. there is heaven on earth.

sadly, some of the cast knew about the other commitment, and tracked me down. they'd got through the thing, but it hadn't gone well, and they convinced me to be there for the rest of the show. which, in honesty, i was only half serious about abandoning. but all i told them was "i'll sleep on it."

so i wondered if i'd hear anything from Herself the next day. but, no. and when i showed up backstage, she was all smiles and glad to see me. and huggy. "the past is in the past" was all she said about it. i guess it never really happened. i must have imagined it.

before the Sunday matinee she collapsed in tears and it was some time before she could pull it together. (she's also a major player in the show, as well as directing it) i was on pins and needles through it all, wondering if i'd be the target of the next outburst.

and we'll do it all again this coming weekend.

pray for me.

need to rant

2006-03-30T12:09:00.000-08:00

i've been helping out with a musical production of late. this, because it's a musical, and they needed a musical director. being a semi-professional musician, and a music teacher, it seemed at first like a good fit.

i've come to think of the whole project as Hiroshima. the big bomb. it's been a calamity from start to finish. i've never seen people so disorganized. and they expect a cast of 30 or more people to wait patiently while they sort themselves out, through rehearsals that can run for more than 6 hours, with no break. one interruption after another, with the director shrieking instructions at the techs doing light and sound, way at the back of the theatre. that's the ONLY instruction they get... no stage notes for anyone.

last night, after a late start, (resulting from the usual chaos) i was told that there was no time for rehearsals of the musical numbers (did i mention that it's a MUSICAL production?!) this, after months of not being able to rehearse them properly because we didn't HAVE the music yet.

no one knows their lines, or their songs, and the thing opens Saturday. yes -in 2 sleeps. i'm expecting association with this turkey to be a most humbling experience.

just in case we're not humiliated enough after crashing and burning the thing for 2 weekends at home, they've booked a show in a nearby (bigger) center.

the costumes aren't ready yet, either.

the other night, when the sound tech called me to the booth, and said, "can i make a suggestion?" i replied, "suicide?" he thought it was funny. i was half serious. it feels like suicide. a botched suicide, resulting a slow and agonizing death.

for this, i've put my correspondence course on hold, hardly see my friends and family, never have time for my own music, or other interests, and only see my lovely home long enough to sleep and shower. if it weren't for a dear friend who feeds me supper regularly, i'd have had nothing but fruit and nuts and restaurant food to eat since Christmas.

yes, it's all self inflicted, so sympathy is not even deserved. how about mercy killing? (bad joke)

the thing about these situations is, the smart thing would be to just walk away, but you can't do that to all the other people who are working very hard, and are depending on you, and still believe in it. it's my fervent hope that they're right, and i'm very, very wrong. they assure me, "oh these things always fall together at the last minute" but the sad truth is, they don't ALWAYS fall together.

and i suspect that even when (o.k, if) the thing blows up in our midst and takes us all out with it, the perpetrators of the crime won't even realize it WAS a bomb. they're THAT oblivious.... impervious to reality.

it's not spring here

2006-03-28T11:59:00.000-08:00

it wants to be spring here, but it isn't yet. spring in northern Canada is a bit hard to identify. the calendar says it's spring, but we're still slogging through snow. had a light skiff last night, in fact. but the air is warm (for northern Canada in March) and the sun grows stronger every day. like it's recovering from a long bout with some wasting disease. a little stronger and steadier and heartier every day. By the time we have green trees and fields, flowers and butterflies, the calendar says we're closer to summer than spring. for me, when the pussywillows peek out, it's officially spring, though there'll be nary a sign of green, for perhaps weeks to come. it's always a very trying time for me. spring seems so slow in coming.

so, i've been surfing the blogsites of others, savoring the photos of trees covered in a mist of baby green, of spring flowers and critters. i look out my own window at winter's dirty laundry, piled in soiled heaps along the roadsides, and i'm so very glad she's left. she's like a house guest who never picks up after herself, and expects others to clean up the messes she leaves in her wake. good riddance. but we know she'll be back all too soon, fresh and white and charming.

lunch break is over.. back to the salt mines.

excellence

2006-03-17T18:31:00.000-08:00

excellent - adj. 1. possessing superior merit. 2. remarkably good

good - adj. 1. morally excellent

i've been pondering lately about what is good, and what is not good. it's a pretty subjective thing, really. my daughter's new Hummer is, to her, undoubtedly, very good. to me, it seems very NOT good.

so i looked to my Random House dictionary for comfort. i looked up 'excellent', and found more questions. because it's still subjective.

so i looked up 'good'.... and found a circular reference. if my dictionary was an exell spreadsheet, there would be all kinds of warnings popping up, telling me the formula is referring to itself.

so i'm back where i started.

three things come to mind, when i think of excellence. they are: commitment; constancy; and intimacy.

to achieve excellence in anything, whether artistic endeavors, or sports, or relationships, or day to day things like growing a garden or raising kids, requires these. we must be committed to the value of what we're doing. we must be constant, keeping at it when the going is not easy, with an eye to the future. we must have intimate knowledge of the materials and techniques required to accomplish the goal, and of what the goal is. perfection is not required, or even desired.... or even possible, really. change, however, is mandatory; there's growth involved. and i think there's a kind of unwritten condition, in my mind, that excellence for one party shouldn't come a the expense of another. beautiful things made by poor people in sweatshops, for rich people to use, are not excellent.

things that are excellent

salad made from organically grown veggies picked just outside my back door.
tomato sauce in jars that glow warmly at me when i open the door to my pantry on a cold winter's eve
a friend who knows all the bad stuff about me and still loves me
the spontaneous giggles of children
warm sun on my face
hand-knitted mittens
a day off from work, with pay, (today, in fact!) to appreciate how lucky i am to have a good job
home grown music
a good story, told by a good storyteller, in good company
the raspberries in my freezer, picked by my elderly neighbor, from her world famous raspberry patch, and given to me, just because she knows i love them
a warm, soft, comfy, hand-made quilt

my love of food comes through loud and clear there. i'm thinking this theme would make a very nice list, done up in caligraphy. i'm looking for additiions... ? they don't have to be food

excellence

2006-03-16T19:59:00.000-08:00

ex-cel-lent adj. 1. possessing superior merit. 2. remarkably good.

i am of the opinion that moderation should not be overdone. the phrase "everything in moderation" speaks to me of mediocrity. it eliminates the possibility of excellence. Excellence is essential to the good health and growth of our spirits.

having said that, i must elaborate on the concept of excellence. contrary to popular belief, excellence need not cost a lot of money, or be available only to 'winners'. it is, however, costly. excellence requires from us commitment, intimacy, and constancy. regardless of its medium of expression, excellence requires many hours of our time, intimate knowledge of the tools, techniques, and materials required, and dedicated hard work. we tend to think of creative endeavors when we think of excellence - art, music, dance, literature, craftsmanship ... sports is another area where we see its application easily. and those of us who love to eat, see excellence in the way the food we eat is prepared and presented.

The same ideas apply to other, less obvious things, like, for instance, love... not just romantic love, but familial love, and the love of friends and neighbors. community... and living a sustainable lifestyle. these things can't exist without commitment, intimacy, and constancy. they can't exist without the hard work that alone produces excellence.

the salad made from vegetables grown organically in the garden out my back door is a very fine example of excellence. and the jars of spaghetti sauce from the same source, that glow with last summer's sunshine at me every time i open the door to my pantry on a snowy winter's eve... excellent! i've labored for years learning how to grow things naturally, and built my soil up from what was once a gravel driveway where not even the quackgrass would grow, to something that can feed 14 foot sunflowers and equally tall tipis heavy with runner beans, in a semi-arid, and nearly sub-arctic climate. excellent! salad made from botanical frankensteins, shipped half-way across the continent, blowing burned hydrocarbon emissions every mile of the way, and rotting in my fridge a few days after i've bought them, despite all artificial prior-to-sale attempts to increase their shelf life, are definitely NOT excellent. i suspect the time will come when they're generally understood to be poisonous.

the irish band i play with, practicing around the kitchen table, banjo and boron (irish drum) leaning against the wall, guitars strumming, accordian sighing along, my fiddle moaning a melancholoy harmony in a lament, or trying to break the speed of sound in a jig... changing the way we do a tune every time we run through it... trading tips on raising teenagers or grandchildren, or tomatoes... excellent! far from perfect, but most excellent! the music i listen to on the radio, or on CD's, is good, some of it even exquisite, and quite possibly excellent for the maker of the music, but it can't compare to the personal excellence, the excellent imperfection of the music i make myself.

a new friend, no matter how clever or beautiful, or gifted, is not excellent. a friendship takes many years and many heartaches to achieve excellence. friendship can't be fragile and shellac - coated to keep it bright and shiny. the good ones are scuffed and faded, made of sturdy materials that continue to be functional and comforting and rich long after they've become frayed and worn, and a few seams have popped. excellent!

moderation should be carefully moderated. too much of it leads to the grey, invisible death of everything colorful and bright and strong in our lives. of excellence.

having just downed the last drop of my second glass of blackberry cider, as i have tomorrow off, and am celebrating, i will now confess to blogging under the influence.

spring fever

2006-03-13T12:09:00.000-08:00

i was just over at the blueberry patch, reading about Mr. E's squirrel building a spring nest. squirrels aren't common in my neighborhood. they're not popular with my neighbor. he has a series of sheds full of collected stuff that the squirrels seem to appreciate far more than his neighbors (hush my mouth!) do. so he wait for them (that is, he waits for the squirrels... i haven't heard of him laying in wait for neighbors..... YET) with a b.b. gun and plays sniper.

but i do have a lot of birds. one in particular, that Mr. E's story brought to mind, is a gentleman robin, who, devoid of a spouse, had far too much time on his hands.

my house, a renovated church, has a deck wrapping around the steeple, at the second storey level. the front entry to the house is, of course, on the ground level of the steeple. there's a big supporting beam for the deck running overhead, as one walks under the deck, to come in the house. the joists for the deck rest on this beam, forming a dozen or so open ended boxes under the deck floor, along the beam.

Mr. Robin, who i think must have been very new to home building, proceeded to build a nest in EACH of these spaces between deck and beam. Waynorth can be a very windy place, in season, and i remember that spring being particularly blustery, so his efforts were blown away, and rebuilt, and blown away, and rebuilt, many times... all dozen of them.

i don't know how he managed to find the time, but, between building and rebuilding a dozen nests (no Mrs. Robin in sight, by the way) he hung around my kitchen window, which had a scaffold in front of it, as the roof was being refinished. he would stalk back and forth on the scaffold, glaring at me, as i worked in the kitchen, then, without warning, he'd throw himself at me, and bounce off the window. there was a window in the living room he also favored for this passtime. it was quite unnerving, and very startling when unexpected, and it went on for months. i called him The Wonky Robin (and other less gentle things when he'd just startled the daylights out of me) the windows were filthy from his mucky little feet and feathers, and never stayed clean long after a wash, so i gave up trying to wash the ouside of them at all.

and for all these months, the nests remained empty.

then, one day, he was gone.

a week or so later, i noticed a pair of robins completing a nest on the lamp attached to the wall of my neighbor's garage (not the squirrel shooter, thankfully) i'm sure it was my former adversary, having finally found a wife.

and she didn't like ANY of the homes he'd already built, so she insisted that they build ANOTHER, to her specifications.

i think they were very happy together, and, late as they began, managed to raise a nest of lovely babies before the snow fell.

blerg!

2006-03-10T07:59:00.000-08:00

Yes, blerg!

(I borrowed that from Madcap Mum. it's a magnificent expletive!)

I look out the window at the ice coating all horizontal (and some vertical) surfaces, and the blowing snow under arctic grey skies, and I bellow BLERG! At Mother Nature.

Now, I know this it just the lacy fringe on her petticoat as she brushes it over us on her way out. But does she have to starch it quite so much? It’s a rough, abrasive, harsh garment. I can’t imagine why she insists on ALWAYS wearing it – or why she insists on raking it over our tender, exposed flesh.

grannyfiddler

2006-03-09T17:28:00.000-08:00

status
i was in the nearby city, picking up some second-hand furniture the other day. my daughter is 'moving up' and selling her old stuff. her old stuff is better than most everything i've ever owned, and the price was right, so i bought some of it. in order to transport the goods, i'd borrowed a friend's 3/4 ton farm truck, and enlisted the services of another friend. we were both appropriately attired in old jeans and jackets. i managed to put the finger tips out of a couple of the digits in my knitted gloves in the process, and it was windy, so i had very bad hair. we weren't garnering any glances of admiration, to say the least.

in fact, shortly after we pulled up in the afore-mentioned chariot, which was bumble-bee yellow wherever there was paint remaining, with a mismatched hood, and a muffler that was determined to be heard ANYWHERE, it became abundantly clear that daughter and her fellow were most anxious to be somewhere else, so they drove off in their baby Hummer - i think they call it an H3 - hopefully before anyone noticed them talking to us. so much for any hope of help loading the stuff. perhaps they had to be at the gym - they're both very into fitness.

so, my very helpful friend and neighbor (did i mention that he is on disability, and suffers from fibromyalgia?) and i loaded the stuff up and tied it down and tarped it up for the 2 hour drive home. it's not usually 2 hours - more like 1 1/2, but, as i said, the wind was howling, so we took it slowly.

so, as I drove through the city in this humble, but very reliable and hard working mode of transport, made available by the good hearts of thoughtful friends, i couldn't help but notice the many gleaming new SUV's and their ilk, as they pulled up alongside me as i drove along, and pulled up at stop lights. perhaps i'm a bit over-sensitive but, i'm sure we were on the receiving end of more than one 'look', and definitely one curled lip, from perfectly coiffed and manicured, impeccably dressed, and rather haughty occupants of nearby vehicles.

i said to my friend, "i think you should drive, and i'll sit on one of the chairs in the back with a shotgun across my lap" . i felt like Granny Clampet.

and i wondered, as i left that all behind me, about the lifestyle i'd left behind as well. and i wondered about my daughter, who's a lovely young woman, and much smarter than me, in many ways, but has no social or environmental conscience at all.

i wondered if she had any inkling that her way of doing things may embarass me as much as my way of doing things embarasses her.

on a Sunday winter's eve

2006-03-05T17:58:00.000-08:00

nearly 7 p.m. and the sun has pretty much set. the shadows have taken over the landscape. with no direct sunlight, everything is the grey-blue of shadowland. still very bright, with the pristine purity of the snow bouncing back the half-light of the darkening sky. street lights have all come on, and there's an orange cirle of light around each of them.

just spent a frustrating hour or so surfing my blog neighbors' posts. blogger is not cooperative tonight; sometimes let me in without so much as a pause, other times, couldn't even read comments, let alone make comments of my own. it's the e-equivalent of wanting someone to talk to, and finding no one i call or visit is at home. i may have to make a hot cuppa to drown my sorrows.

i'm starting a grow op. if you don't hear from me, you'll know the police have raided the place and taken me in. well, i've been told tomato seedlings look just a bit like cannabis, if you squint and turn the lights down. on the list to start are tomatoes, leeks, brussell's sprouts, spaghetti squash, and more annual flowers than you want to hear about. i have all my seed, and organic fertilizer, and plant trays, etc. i'm just waiting for the arrival of some little heat mats to keep my little green babies' bottoms warm. it's the damping off that usually does them in, when the inevitable long stretch of cold, overcast spring days hits. So i'm combating that by not being dependent on the fickle northen sun to keep my babies warm. they'll have full-spectrum fluorescent lights above, and heating pads below. i'm counting on having more babies than i need, and selling the excess to friends and neighbors to help cover the cost of building sun-surrogate nursery shelves. does selling babies make me a bad mother? i will, of course, only sell them to good homes.

having recently finished (mostly) the main level of my renovation-in-progress residence, i now have, for the first time in recent (within the last 12 years) history, some semblence of organization in my home. i even have my books sorted, and arranged in shelves in their appropriate areas of the house. today i went through all my music books, and reams of loose sheet music, sorting and exclaiming, "oooh! i'd forgotten all about this!" sadly, there are also a few dear old friends conspicuously absent... i'm very bad for lending things, then forgetting who i sent them with. some of them never return home.

the sun is now completely set, and the sky is indigo, with charcoal etchings of trees upon it. the orange lights of the skating rink down the street light up the neighborhood, and the air is very still and heavy - like the bottom of a deep lake, where sunlight doesn't penetrate, and every movement requires huge effort.

must g0 make a hot cuppa, then wrap myself and my fiddle around some of the lovely music i've rediscovered.

grannyfiddler

2006-03-02T12:11:00.000-08:00

thanks, all, for the birthday greetings. it was a very lovely day with many greetings from far away friends and family. i'll not forget that i'm loved for a whilie. a neighbor came and shared some blackberry cider (that another friend had given me for a birthday treat) in the evening, so i didn't make it to the computer for my birtdhday blog. he did, howerver, get the modem all set up, etc, so i'm set to go.

the friend who gave the blackberry cider also called the local radio station to ask to have me added to the list of birtday greetings, and chatted up the announcer, whose children i used to teach violin. later, when the announcer came to list all the birthdays for the day, he began with something like, "this is a day when a lot of good-looking women were born" and proceeded to list the name of famous 'babes' born March 1 - and added my name to the end of the list. so everywhere i went yesterday, men were giving me big smiles, and wishing me a VERY happy birthday. not the sort of thing a granny expects on her birthday, but kind of fun, in a mildly embarassing way.

Mum - i do have a few recipes, but it's only me here to eat the stuff, and i'm trying very hard to lose the weight i gained over Christmas. and gf cakes only get gritty when you have to keep them awhile, or freeze them. so, yes, i gave up cake for Lent. (if i'm struck by lighning for pretending it was a REAL sacrifice, i hope you'll write, and sing, a lovely song for my funeral service... i guess i'll have been cremated..? so please scatter the ashes over my strawberry bed. ashes are said to deter slugs.)

many candles on the cake

2006-03-01T07:53:00.000-08:00

today is my birthday. not getting much done so far, as 'happy birthday' emails keep coming in. i'm feeling very loved. got the computer set up, and the modem in, and the truck's in the shop overnight, so i'll have to stay home this evening. sounds like a very good opportunity to visit all my blog neighbors. :o)

drum roll, please!

2006-02-27T13:07:00.000-08:00

one of the whizkids brought me a computer last weekend! i once again have e-appendages! just have to pick up a modem for it, and i'm cookin'.

grannyfiddler

2006-02-13T11:43:00.000-08:00

camera envy

in stolen moments when i take my coffee and lunch breaks at my desk, i cruise the postings of others... others all seem to have digital cameras. then i come home to grannyfiddler, an alphabetical wasteland. sigh. serious camera envy.

after all the years of living in the bush at a subsistence level, then in a small town, growing a big garden, and shopping at the second-hand stores, sewing most of my kids' clothes, with no thought of, or desire for, the latest 'toys', i'm feeling a bit out of character. maybe i wasn't so much living the 'pure life' out of some wholesome, altruistic motive, but just unaware of other possibilities. now, with the kids grown and gone, and the best-paying job i've ever had, for the first time in my life, i have disposable income.

and i want to buy stuff... a digital camera... a celtic harp and electronic sound equipment.... a solar/wind generating system to get, at least partly, off-grid... land by the sea on the west coast, for a family holiday spot where i can go with my kids and grandkids...

and it's all do-able now. a bit overwhelming.

lunchbreak

2006-02-02T11:32:00.000-08:00

still no computer at home... the whizkids are working on it.

i sit at my monstrous desk, with the winter sun pouring in the office, warm and bright and golden. the shadows in the snow are that indescribable blue that nearly stops my heart with its beauty. i'm munching on popcorn - forgot my lunch, and just aching to be out there.

last night after work i made the 1 1/2 hour trek to the nearby city where my daughter, Mummy of Centre of the Universe lives. it was Centre of the Universe's 5th birthday, replete with tiaras, t-shirt painting and a pinata. imagine a half dozen squealing princesses in wild and crazy t-shirts, taking turns bashing at a butterfly. seemed something of a mixed message to me. Teenage Uncle (one of the afore mentioned whiz kids - the other was at his newly acquired job) of Centre of the Universe was called on to do some serious damage to the poor flutter-by, as no one wanted to spend the entire evening waiting for the princesses to make a dent... earning thunderous applause for his success.

Mummy has a wonderful circle of friends. these young couples have formed their own village, in the sense of 'it takes a village to raise a child'. they exchange babysitting, throw birthday parties for each other, and go to each other's children's parties, offer marriage counselling, tips on child psychology, strong arms and trucks when one member is moving to another residence, previously enjoyed clothes and toys... in the middle of the city. being a bit of a hick, myself, it seems strange to me to find a pocket of small-town community thriving amidst urban sprawl and consumerism. it's a prejudice i have. i know cities are made up of all kinds of people, and some are even a lot like me, but i'm always astonished when i bump into those ones.

and it's so thrilling to see my child doing such a very fine job of raising her child.

progress

2006-01-26T12:15:00.000-08:00

the operating system for my 'new' computer has finally arrived (one of those great deals through work things... took forever) so i'll take that to my my computer whiz kids, who built me the 'new' computer for Christmas. and hopefully i'll be back blogging at home soon. this sneaking in a few minutes at work doesn't go far.

:o)
gf

life goes on

2006-01-18T10:00:00.000-08:00

it's such a treat to have some down time. studying for the exam took up every waking hour for several weeks. suddenly i have a life!

but still no computer at home, so the blog time is minimal. this is my coffee break at work, just now.

so, now that i have some idea why this cyber-neighborhood is such a thriving community, i'm wondering what your 'space' is like. from 'why do we blog?' to 'where, and how do we blog?'

when i'm at work, i'm at a very big, quite pretentious desk, as i work for a big oil company - the first person everyone sees as they come in the door - and presentation is everything!

but at home i'm usually in my jammies and slippers or comfy jeans, a t-shirt and big wooly socks, as i sit at my own desk with a cup of herbal tea. i'm surrounded by pictures of my kids and friends, piles of books and sheet music often as not heaped on most every horizontal surface. there is a tall, thin window flanking each side of the desk and the room is flooded with natural light. everything in sight is 'vintage' and comfortably worn.

where do you blog?

resolution

2006-01-13T09:25:00.000-08:00

finshed the exam with 81%... back at work

nerves

2006-01-13T07:17:00.000-08:00

i'm sitting in the exam room at the local institute for higher education, awaiting the beginning of an on-line accounting final exam

nervous

WHAT IS TAKING THEM SO LONG!!!!!?

still in limbo

2006-01-11T11:52:00.000-08:00

i'm still without a computer at home, so can only peek a bit at work during lunch, etc. and my blog visits are few these days.

it's deep winter here in waynorth, but she's been uncharacteristically gentle so far this year. the long range predictions are that she'll continue to be. though i lived in the Yukon for 6 years, and thoroughly enjoyed the winters there, i've come to hate the intense cold so common in the north. this winter has been like something out of a wonderful dream. there's an outdoor skating rink just down the street from my house. i'm working up the nerve to dig up a pair of skates and try it out. i loved skating as a child. one of my former violin students is now studying architecture in Ottowa. i have this idea i have to make a winter visit to her before she finishes, and skate on the Rideau Canal.

i told a neighbor about my dream of skating the Rideau. he proceeded to tell me a lovely story about his grandparents' courtship. he was a violinist, living in Ottowa - she a nun there, who played piano. they began as soloist and accompanist. he used to skate along the canal, carrying his violin, to go rehearse with her. all very romantic. of course, my neighbor wouldn't be here to tell the story if they hadn't fallen very much in love, married and had children. now i really have to skate on that canal.

i blog, therefore i am

2006-01-01T10:55:00.000-08:00

i love research. especially primary research involving contact with other people ... i suppose because we humans are such fascinating, many-faceted creatures, and i'm very much a herd animal (small herds). and in researching a subject, we LEARN about it.

i learned a lot from the answers offered to the question, 'why blog?'

i'm also slow to warm to technology. if the technological progress of the world were up to me, we'd all still be cooking on wood-fired stoves, (whid i did for many years) or over a campfire (which i've also done a goodly share of). i'm not AGAINST innovation... i can, and do warm to things that prove themselves useful and worth making the adjustment for, but they must prove themselves first.

on the other hand, i spend much of my workday at a computer, employed by a company that keeps on the leading edge of technology in its industry. And i enjoy it... it's that love of learning.

so i guess it's only natural that i approach this whole blog thing with much curiosity and a sprinkling of skeptical caution.

WHAT I LEARNED

a blog site is a very personal, very private place where we don't have to please anyone or follow anyone's rules but our own. a blog is a 'ME' thing. something we do just for us. no one knows what we need better than ourselves. our needs are many and varied. it seems that no one person, or even one family, or possibly even one community can meet all our needs. it's a healthy thing when we realize that, and realize also that it's not anyone else's job to see that our needs are met. our own wellbeing is our own responsibility.

a little selfishness is a good thing

though my exposure to the blogger population hasn't been huge, i haven't come across a single person who appears to take this to the extreme. all so far seem to have pretty rounded lives outside of cyberspace. sites are filled with delightful photos of friends and family, breathtaking scenery, art and craftsmanship, exchanged recipes, encouragement, exchange of ideas and advice.

a common thread is a feeling of uniqueness. that we're not quite the same as those around us... even those close to us. that, though we may well be where we are, with whomever we're with, for good reasons, and in good situations, there are still needs unmet. so we look to enlarge our cirlcle of acquaintance, and of experience, to include those things that our nearest and dearest have no interest in. and hopefully, they do the same.

ideally, our lives are like trees. our roots are firmly where they are, but we're reaching out, growing larger and stronger, and encompasing more all the time. this electronic link to another part of our world is one branch of a life that, if we're healthy and strong, provides shelter, nurture sustenance and stability to those who live in it with us.

BUT... the skeptic says...

this is all very pleasant in a comfortable, intellectual way. i sit at my computer, still in my jammies and big wooly socks. it's half past 12 on New Year's Day afternoon, and i'm leisurely sipping on steaming mugs of my favorite tea, waxing philosophical. no one is going to conradict me or interrupt me as i peck away at my keyboard. if my opinions cause someone to roll their eyes in derision, i won't see it. if someone scans what i've 'penned' and snorts, "boring", the words never reach me. for the most part, only those of like mind, who enjoy this sort of cereberal ping-pong will respond...

there are no blogger neighbor's dogs dumping steaming piles of previously enjoyed Ken-L-Ration on my lawn. no dying elderly neighbor who needs the garbage taken out, or his feet washed or toenails clipped. i don't have to deal with anything unpleasant on any but a superficial level.

so is this just another earmark of our consumerism? are we just shopping for disposable friends?

grannyfiddler

blog limbo

2005-12-28T08:22:00.000-08:00

i'm without a computer at home just now, so must restrict myself to the odd surf on coffee breaks at work.

Wishing all good things to all my new neighbors in the holidays, and in the new year.

And many blessings to you all.

grannyfiddler

why blog?

2005-12-14T16:40:00.000-08:00

there are blogs, and there are blogs. not that i'm an expert, by any stretch, being a very new-comer. some seem lonely outposts with few visitors, others resemble families, or communities, with regular, and often, familiar visitors. some are carefully laid out, replete with gorgeous inserts and photos, some more haphazard, others landscapes of text. some are updated daily, or even more often - others once a week - still others seemingly at random.

some inspire great thoughts, intelligent debate, and introspection; some rant; some share day-to-day life in places i'm thrilled to get a peek into. some are dedicated to a great cause, or a lifestyle.

it seems to be mostly about communication... am i wrong? blogging lets us find like-minded people, and connect witht them. learn from them. learning is one of my favorite things.

and for some of us, there aren't a great many like-minded people in our immediate vicinity, so i guess that's a healthy thing... of sorts.

but in a world where no one seems to have time for their families and friends anymore, why are we reaching out to befriend distant people in such an abstract way? why do we go to the internet for companionship, advice, entertainment, intelligent 'conversation'?

winter

2005-12-13T11:49:00.000-08:00

lunch time, and the view out my office window is bleak. steel grey skies threatening to snow. a monochromatic study in un-colors. it's been unseasonally mild here in Waynorth. we had the requisite cold snap as winter settled, but the snow has long since melted with the unexpected chinooks. it's so dark for so long here, we need the snow in winter. what little light we get can bounce around a bit then. driving in the black hole of a snowless, moonless, starless winter's night is like falling off the face of the earth. nothing but darkness in every direction... no clue there's a whole world out there somewhere. it's a very lonely thing. i hate the cold, but the snow is welcome. it chases back the darkness that, by the 21st of December will come in mid afternoon and stay till late morning.

queen winter is a very elegant lady, all clad in white furs, diamonds and pearls. they set off her dark hair and eyes the color of northern midnight skies. she dresses to impress, and she accomplishes her purpose. at times her beauty takes our breath away. but her heart is as cold as her touch, and she's ruthless. merciless. her caress can maim and kill. she never leaves when she's worn out her welcome, which is brief. she leaves when SHE is ready to, with no consideration to the convenience or wellbeing of her hosts.

today, she's in a mild mood; she's settling her long, white lace skirts gently on the land, brushing it softly with her silken, deadly touch. making herself comfortable, because she's only just arrived, really, and she won't be leaving soon. she'll deceive us into beleiving she's a benevolent monarch, tempting us out onto the fields and hills and frozen ponds to sport with her. and perhaps she will be benevolent... this time.

but i don't trust her.

gainfully employed

2005-12-03T16:11:00.000-08:00

the terrifying job interview over, i'm in recovery. i might need to make more soap. of course, i didn't get the job. when i think about it, i've NEVER got a job that way - by applying for something posted in the paper. it's always something i went to talk to someone about because someone who knew someone heard that they might want someone.... or.... one of the best jobs i ever had, i got because i just marched into a place i was sure i'd like working, handed the boss my resume and a portfolio, and said, "i'd really like to work for you; here's my resume and a little bit about what i can do" it was a sewing/design job making window coverings for an interior decorator. she spent the next few months figuring out how she could afford to hire me, and when i'd given up hope of hearing from her, she called me.

another great job.... a friend was head of the culture dept for the small city where i lived. she had this idea for an inflatable dinosaur tent for the annual children's festival. she asked if i thought i could sew something like that... COULD I? could i ever! the result was Stella Stegasaurus, a 30 foot long beauty of a tent with enormous, heavy-lashed eyes and big, pink, kissy lips. a big zipper opened up her side, the kids all rushed in before she deflated, somebody quickly zipped her up, and story-telling happened every hour in the most magical place imaginable. the sunlight came through her like stained glass. i don't think those kids will ever forget being in the belly of a freindly dinosaur.

then there was the job of 'creative carpenter' for the Dawson City museum, back in the days before they had any money to hire 'experts'. i got to design dislplays, build them and furnish them. this meant poking around in the mountains of dusty old boxes in the attic full of artifacts. (back in the days before everything was catalogued and stored properly) one of my most thrilling finds was several boxes of Victorian clothing... all painstakingly made by hand - every stitch! there was a magnificent baby's christening gown, all embroidery and open work and hand-made lace (there was no other kind of lace back then) and a lady's jacket in the softest salmon colored silk velvet, high collared and small waisted with leg-o-mutton sleeves and at least a dozen tiny pearl buttons. i dreamed of being the lady who wore that. the building itself was thrilling. it had been constructed to house the government offices back in Dawson City's heyday. a magnificent, sprawling 3 story edifice replete with rich wooden floors, wainscotting, paneling, coffered, high ceilings, wide stairs and carven banisters. Even the attic, which had never been used for more than storing dusty boxes, was all beautiful woods, and had rows of dormer windows all along both sides of the roof. it was my favorite place of all. i often took my lunch there. the building was an icebox, though. there was no money for heating fuel. on cold days we ran little electric heaters in odd corners, where the tour guides would gather in little blue clusters to thaw their aching fingers and toes. it was never open during winter, only during the summer, tourist season, but if it was only as warm as a spring day outside, you didn't go in THERE to warm up. you could count on it being at least 20 degrees colder inside. this was lovely on those very hot summer days. built in air conditioning. when they finally got some interest from Parks Canda, (read "financing" because tourism was catching on, and it was now a money-making proposition) the first job was to put in something resembling a heating system. the old furnace in the basement was wood fired - probably the boiler out of a sternwheeler. and in checking this out, it was discovered that the old girl rested in a hollow... possibly the lowest point on the street... and the basement filled with water... which froze each winter and never really thawed out. she was squatting on a beheamouth! an iceberg! no wonder she never really warmed up! it took all of one summer of pumping out the water, and blasting hot air under her bloomers to melt that!

i feel better about not getting the job now. disappointment is a good teacher. it seemed tailored for me; something i'd do well and enjoy. i'd have been Assistant to the Dean of Fine Arts at a small city college. having a background in art and design, years of experience teaching and performing violin, and business and finance training and experience, it would have been a good mix. not to mention the very substantial increase in pay.... And, of course there's the family... pretty much all in the city now, and just me here. that still bites. but we'll have to work with what we're given, i guess.

what's that scripture that tells us not to mourn over our losses? ....that perhaps we are being spared something worse?

because, if i lived any closer to the kids' dad (who lives in that very city and is an extremely difficult person) i might have to kill him.

on soap

2005-11-27T20:34:00.000-08:00

grannyfiddler: grannyfiddler

been making soap over the weekend. it's one of those earthy creative things that helps keep me sane. like gardening, and making music, baking cookies, and sewing with beautiful fabric. something about combining the work of my hands with the work of my mind pulls all the disparate parts of life into focus, and helps blow out the fluff. takes some of the sharp edges off me.

And soap is so satisfying to make - it's a small miracle how a pot of greasy fat and a piltcher of vile smelling and toxic lye water can produce this gentle, lovely-smelling cleanser. it's the last thing anyone would expect from either of the original products. then i add essential oils, plant matter and moisturizers and end up with this luxurious gourmet subsatnce that's so richly colored and scented that it would seem decadent if i hadn't made it with my own two hands... from fat and lye.

i could buy my soap for less than it costs to make, but i don't handle all the scents and things they put in manufactured soap. and that stuff doesn't give me the little glow of pleasure every time i use it, that turns a plain old bath or shower or washing of hands into a small occasion for celebration.

facing a job interview in the city on Tuesday, for a job i think i'd love. but i'm not sure how i'd love living in the city. it makes a lot of sharp edges on me. i might have to make a lot of soap and bake a lot of cookies. but 3 of my 4 kids are there, and my granchild, none of whom i see nearly enough the way things are now. i need to be more accessible. there's still stuff they need to learn about what family is, and what family does, that no one else is going to teach them.

i made the soap to get my feet on the ground, and get in touch with what's important. yes, working at something you enjoy is important, but i don't hate my present job. i could probably keep doing it for some time. so it's less about the job, and about me personally, and more about being part of a family. my siblings, parents, ,cousins, etc are a group of islands, ,with very little travel from port to port. i don't want that for my children and my grandchildren. isn't it part of our job as parents to try to make things better for coming generations? i think that means all usual things - making our communities safe and pleasant places for them, and providing opportunities for them to discover their gifts and excell at them. But doesn't it also mean rooting out those family traditions that didn't enrich our lives, that, rather did the opposite, and replacing those with new things, that will become more healthy traditions?

it's all really a non-issue anyway, right now, as i haven't even had the interview, let alone been offered the job.

time to go have a long, relaxing bath by candlelight, with a bar of rich, earthy, soul satisfying soap

grannyfiddler

2005-11-24T21:51:00.000-08:00

grannyfiddler
well, look at that! i did it!

now i'm feeling very self-conscious. no longer invisible. and a little intimidated by some of the blogs i've cruised. i know it's not a competition, but beginners at anything always feel inadequate. and there's some very good stuff out there.

But i've begun!

grannyfiddler

2005-11-24T21:46:00.000-08:00

grannyfiddler

first attempt.... only know how to put comments into other people's blogs.

2005-10-11T15:46:00.000-07:00